Is this lifestyle really enjoyable?

Be warned, when I come to write my blog, I am most likely wound up!!

Ok, something I'm not getting my head around.......

SS was told that he would be allowed to cum if he kept up his good service and when we had our first snowfall which was last night.  However, when I woke up yesterday morning, his blog was not published which is something that is required without fail.!  No cum cum allowed for SS last night!  I awoke this morning to find that the blog had still not been published!!

So, what am I struggling with?  Well, when I verbally reprimanded him a short while ago, he was almost in tears - I thought that chastisement was supposed to be enjoyable?  Isn't he supposed to get a hard-on when spoken to this way?  Instead, I now feel guilty and on the verge of tears myself!  And then he's going to read this and feel guilty that he has made me feel this way and it goes on and on and on - a never ending circle!

His service has improved 10 fold over the last few days and for that I say - Good Girl!

Incidentally, is 132 days without cumming too long :)

Comments are really appreciated xx

Friday 20/11/10

Here I am again - third blog!

Unless I clarify how I feel and how I want to move forward, I am only going to regress further.

Be warned, I am not very apt at expressing how I feel so my posts will jump about and perhaps not flow.

I have removed or at least tried to remove any association of my “Mistress” persona.  I am me, I am my name.  It has taken a while for me to realise but the whole "Mistress" thing makes me feel very uncomfortable.  Why?  Well, its a bit like when you have children - you are never you, you are always "Ellies Mum" or "Charlies Mum".  This is also a reason why I reverted to my maiden name so that I'm not just a wife.  I don't want to be a Mrs which is why I won't ever get married again.  Whats more, anything "Mistress" on my phone or laptop are sure to be discovered by our children if they haven't already!  From now on I'm Me!

Do I like being in control?  Yes, I love being in control although most the time I do not feel as though I am.  In fact, I feel completely out of control.  Why so?  Constant feelings of guilt - Crap mother, recently failed business, family issues which will never be resolved due to my sheer stubbornness, not giving my partner what he wants, inability to express how I feel to anyone, having to hide aspects of our relationship which make me very nervous.

Quotes below highlighted in purple are taken from - www.aroundherfinger.com

"Of particular concern is that fact that many women do not want to feel dominant in the bedroom. When the make love they like to feel, either once in a while or virtually every time, that they are being taken by their strong, masculine mate."

How is this possible when he is very very rarely allowed to cum?  This is something that I crave and have not felt for many years now.  I still want "My man" the man that I fell in love with - will that feeling ever return?  I do however enjoy the control that I have in the bedroom and no longer feel the guilt of him not being able to cum unless I say so - this alleviates the pressure that was once felt every bed time that I had to in some way please him.

How exactly does the wife go about adding sexual energy to the relationship? For starters, she can be sexually playful throughout the day. She can be affectionate with the intent of arousing him by kissing on his neck, nibbling on his ears, and patting him on the bottom as the couple goes about their daily routine.

I've always believed that this is a two way thing - I love the joking around, flirting and innuendos that create laughter and fun.  This behavior makes a woman feel special, attractive and wanted and is something that is completely lacking in our relationship and the lack of it I find quite dangerous.

"The husband will most likely take on a much greater percentage of the household chores, but neither do relationships revolve around domestic work. The woman can be as demanding as she chooses as often as she chooses. Just because the submissive husband has an innate desire to feel controlled by his wife, she does not have to reinforce that control every time she speaks to him. She can do so daily, weekly, or however often she feels that the husband's role in the relationship needs reinforcing to keep him fulfilled."

Yes, he has taken on a great percentage of household duties.  This is great but not the be all and end all - jobs are jobs and need doing and as he has been trained well, knows that these need to be done and get on with them without being asked.  What troubles me is that when these jobs have been done, there seems to be no initiative as to what is to be done next.  I feel as if nothing else will happen unless told - It makes me feel like a mother to him.  I would like him to become more proactive - is this too much to ask?  For example - shopping for dinner.  I am sick and tired of having to decide what is to go on the shopping list.  Perhaps it could go along the lines of - "I'm cooking dinner tonight - It'll be a surprise".

Another thing springs to mind - its' my understanding that submissives need recognition - I'm struggling with this one (being a very stubborn person).  If I hoover or wash up, I never get thanked?  I've also come across other blogs of men in FLR's and they do all the jobs around the house and I mean all.  Do I want this? I don't know!  I guess things will evolve as I see fit.

I had compiled a list of what I expect but have lost it so thought I'd draft a new one!

Daily

• Make bed each morning
• To be clean shaven and washed at all times
• To be presentable - clean attire
• No slurping coffee
• No stupid whistling
• Ensure that panties are never going to be accidentally visible to others or this privilege will be removed instantly
• Wake before me so that coffee can be served
• Kitchen is to be kept clean with no clutter which means washing up and putting away
• Sweep kitchen floor
• Washing to be put in washing basket and as soon as there is a load, wash, dry, fold and put away
• Hoover carpet in high traffic areas

Weekly

• Plan a weekly menu and shopping list
• Bins taken out
• Kitchen floor washed
• Sink and surrounding areas bleached
• Bedding washed including children's bedding

Monthly

• Windows cleaned
• Mirrors cleaned
• Oven, fridge and microwave cleaned

All these are easily achievable if organised - this is what your phone organiser/task list is for.

On a more personal level

• Pampering
• Foot massages
• Back rubs
• Hair brushing
• Candle lit bubble baths
• Candle lit dinners
• Little surprises

Am I asking too much?  I don't know if I'm coming or going!

Thought of the day - If I had to live my life again, I would never ever have children and I would live thousands of miles away from my family!

Do I want to publish this blog? No!

Monday 22/11/10

Its so tempting to make amendments to Fridays entry but I won't because that's how I felt then.

What a difference a couple of days make!  Feeling much more myself now but not back on track yet.  I went out Saturday night which made all the difference I think.  I had a great time, met some old friends and ended up smacking some pervy twat in the face - Oh yes, I feel better for that now!

What should I be doing today?  I should be focusing on our new business venture before all the money in our bank account disappears.  Can I do it? No!  I need one of those magic moments when everything falls into place and becomes exciting and new.  It will come and when it does, as with everything else, I'll be focused and become obsessive with it.  If I start now, my heart wont be in it and therefore I'll be setting myself up to fail even before I begin!

To go over the Mistress thing again - do I want to be called Mistress?  Yes, I think I do! But...... not when the kids are in the house to overhear and not on my phone or email.  It causes too much worry!

Thought of the day - I love my kids and SS

Song of the century (for now at least) - SOS Take that!